Is Codependency Bad? [Explained by a Therapist]
Hi, I'm Dr. Nicole Moore, a licensed clinical psychologist and the owner and founder of Vital Therapy in Washington, DC.
As someone who often works with people who identify as codependent, I often get asked questions like "Is it healthy to be codependent?" and "Is it ever OK to be codependent?" There's a lot of content online that speaks to the negative side of being codependent, so it's natural to have these questions.
I wrote this post to answer these questions (and more). I'll also explain the difference between codependency vs. a healthy relationship and share my insight about healing from codependency based on my experience as a therapist.
Let's dive in.
Is being codependent bad?
No, being codependent isn't inherently bad (despite what the internet may lead you to believe).
Codependency is a relationship pattern that people often learn as a result of dysfunctional family dynamics. It can stem from childhood emotional neglect or abuse, such as family members struggling to manage their own emotions or consistently show up for you.
Like other learned behaviors, codependency can often be protective. As a young child, you may have learned that anticipating your parents' needs got you on their good side and prevented you from being yelled at. Maybe hiding your own feelings felt protective when sharing how you really felt could have caused your parent to become dysregulated or even abusive.
In this way, codependency has likely helped you stay in connection with others at times when you wouldn't be able to meet your own needs effectively. In other words, it's been an adaptive behavior to help keep you alive.
But when this pattern follows you into adulthood, it can keep you from building healthy, fulfilling relationships. So while it's not bad to be a codependent person, it can be painful and isolating.
Why is codependency bad?
Again, codependency isn't necessarily "bad," but it can present challenges. Here are some common struggles that people in codependent relationships often experience.
Low self-esteem
Anxiety
Difficulty being alone
Lack of identity or sense of self
Emotional highs and lows
Strong need for external validation
Poor boundaries
Fear of rejection or abandonment
Communication struggles
Trouble getting your own needs met
Self-neglect
Lack of emotional depth and intimacy
Know that these struggles aren't your fault. The purpose of this list is to validate your experiences and highlight the challenges of a codependent relationship so you can understand why you might benefit from changing your patterns.
Understanding dependency vs. codependency
At this point, you might be wondering if it would be better to be entirely independent than ever be in another codependent relationship. While I empathize with this thought, I also want to let you know that healthy relationships have a balance between independence and interdependence.
We're humans, and we thrive on connection. And while your learned way of connecting (AKA codependence) has brought you this far, it's also likely left you feeling disconnected from both yourself and others.
It's okay to depend on others, and it's possible to do this while still being your own separate person. Distinguishing healthy dependency from codependency is key.
Let's take a look at some of the main differences between a codependent relationship and a healthy, interdependent relationship.
| Interdependent Relationship | Codependent Relationship |
|---|---|
| Maintain positive self-esteem independently | Derive self-esteem and validation from each other |
| Partnership in which the power is shared equally | Power dynamic where one person is the giver and the other partner is the taker |
| Can engage in activities outside the relationship without fear or insecurity | Difficulty engaging in activities separately |
| Maintain other relationships without jealousy | Maintain other relationships without jealousy |
| Healthy boundaries and limits exist to respect each other's autonomy | Trouble setting boundaries or maintaining separate identities |
As you can see, codependent relationships focus on the relationship as a source of identity, validation, and reassurance. On the other hand, interdependent relationships get fulfillment and connection from the relationship while also maintaining independent identities, activities, and relationships.
Most often, codependent individuals are drawn to each other and engage in these patterns together because that's what feels familiar and comfortable. At the same time, there can be one codependent partner in a relationship with a more secure partner.
Will I ever stop being codependent?
Yes, codependency is a pattern that you can break.
The first step is recognizing your current destructive behavior patterns. From here, you can learn more about codependency through books, blogs, and other resources. (Take a look at my blog post on codependency podcasts to help you get started.)
Once you have a better understanding of codependency and how it shows up in your relationships, you can continue taking steps toward strengthening your own identity, setting boundaries, and building your self-esteem.
For more tips on healing codependency issues, check out my blog post.
In my experience
While self-help tips can certainly support your codependency recovery journey, I believe that therapy is key.
Our DC therapists take an in-depth approach to therapy that will help you get to the core wounds that contribute to your codependency. From here, you can get the support and guidance you need to heal from this learned behavior and discover new ways to connect with others (and yourself).
Don't get me wrong: this process takes time, energy, and commitment—and it's completely worth it. I've seen my therapy clients undergo significant transformations during the course of our work together, and I know it's possible for you, too.
Get the support you need to grow healthy relationships.
If you're ready to start healing your codependent patterns, we're here to help. We offer in-person sessions in DuPont Circle in Washington, DC, as well as online sessions if you prefer to meet virtually.
You'll start by scheduling a complimentary consultation to learn more about how we can help and get your questions answered. From here, we'll schedule an intake session (if we both choose to move forward) and create a customized treatment plan to help you heal.
We look forward to meeting you and supporting you in your recovery journey.