7 Ways to Manage Your People Pleasing Anxiety

If your people-pleasing behavior is starting to take a toll on your own well-being, it might be time to consider changing your approach. Of course, this is easier said than done, but with time, practice, and professional support, you can learn to put yourself first.

Let's dive in.

Understanding people pleasing

A people pleaser is a person who has a strong urge to help and please others, often at their own expense. An example of this is someone who rarely says "No" to requests, even if it causes detriment to their own needs and wants.

People pleasers often feel that they are responsible for other people's emotions and take it upon themselves to make others feel better. Often, people pleasers "give" more in their relationships, which can contribute to feelings of dissatisfaction and loneliness.

People pleasing isn't a personality trait, and it's not a mental health condition like anxiety or depression, but it can be associated with them. Rather, it's a learned behavior that often arises from experiencing trauma or intense conflict early in life.

People pleasing can become chronic and habitual, but there are different ways to manage the anxiety and other negative emotions that often drive these behaviors. Learning how to establish healthy boundaries with others is key to decreasing people pleasing behaviors and the anxiety that may come with it.

Common causes of people-pleasing anxiety

There are many reasons why someone may become a people pleaser, including a lack of knowledge of healthy boundaries, low self-esteem, and a fear of rejection or abandonment. Many of these feelings and behaviors are learned from the environment as a young child and continue into adulthood.

People pleasing can also occur as a result of traumatic experiences, often if the person uses the fawn response. This trauma response, unlike fight, flight, or freeze, is the use of people pleasing to disperse conflict and be liked by others. If a person uses the fawn response in difficult or harmful interpersonal situations, often unconsciously, they may become a chronic people pleaser.

Chronic people pleasing and anxiety is well-linked. A people pleaser may experience anxiety when they feel they are not living up to others' expectations or they think that others will dislike them if they express their true feelings. Because of a people pleaser's fear of rejection, they may experience extreme anxiety around social interactions where they want to be well-liked.

People pleasers will focus all of their energy on mirroring other people to fit in, which often leads them to feel exhausted and ungrounded. There are ways to manage people pleasing anxiety when it comes up. Everyone is different, so it helps to pick and choose the techniques that work best for you.

How your people pleasing tendencies may be hurting you

There can be many dangers and consequences of being a people pleaser. Interpersonally, people pleasers tend to have a lack of healthy boundaries with others. This can look like constantly giving money or gifts to friends with little in return, or feeling like you have to fix or save other people. This can also look like saying "Yes" to others' requests, even if you do not have time or energy to do so.

Inwardly, a people pleaser may feel less grounded because they are always compromising their values for other people. People pleasers often go along with what other people are doing or saying, with a tendency to agree with the other person to feel liked by others.

A common likelihood of people pleasers is constantly agreeing with or adapting behaviors to avoid conflict. This often occurs because the people pleaser does not know how to experience interpersonal conflict in a safe space.

Another danger of having people pleasing tendencies is having less time for your own self care, interests, and needs. Because people pleasers are constantly thinking of others and how they can keep them happy, they rarely think of themselves. People pleasers tend to agree to things that are asked of them, even if that means they have less time to themselves to complete tasks.

There are many common consequences of being a people pleaser. Most common are developing anxiety and stress around people pleasing, experiencing guilt or shame around not meeting expectations of others, being taken advantage of, suppressing true emotions, and having to constantly seek the approval of others.

7 ways to manage your people pleasing anxiety

Try my tips to start supporting your own emotional well-being today.

1. Journaling.

Often people pleasers have a lot of negative self-talk (or inner dialogue) that causes them distress. Getting those thoughts onto a page may help compartmentalize and organize them. Sometimes writing them down helps to stop thinking about them, as they are now out in the world instead of buzzing around in your head.

2. Go for a walk or exercise.

Anxiety is energy; one of the best ways to get it out of your body is to move your body. Walking, running, and biking are all good ways to expel energy and lower your anxiety levels. Endorphins, a type of brain chemical, get released when your body exerts energy and is responsible for lowering stress levels.

3. Take baby steps.

Can you start thinking about saying "No" to someone's request? What would that look like for you? If someone asks you about doing something for them, try thinking about if you actually want to help or not. Do you have the time or mental energy to complete the request? Remember: you do not need to give someone a reason as to why you are saying "No."

4. Try breathing exercises.

Focus on your breathing. Some people say this reduces their anxiety, while others say it makes it worse. A common technique that people use to reduce their anxiety is to practice box breathing. Box breathing has four steps; breathe in, hold, breathe out, and hold. Box breathing helps regulate the nervous system by increasing the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for lowering heart rate and adrenaline production, both of which decrease anxiety.

5. Go out into nature.

Being in nature is proven to decrease anxiety levels by exposure to fresh air and lowering blood pressure. Forest bathing is a common practice for decreasing anxiety and increasing mindfulness and connection. Notice how resilient different plants are in nature and how they are all connected to one ecosystem. Like plants, we are social creatures who crave healthy connections with others.

6. Join a support group.

Join an anxiety support group. Support groups are great ways to connect with others experiencing similar struggles. Experiencing anxiety comes in many shapes and sizes. Some people have physical sensations, such as stomach aches and migraines, while others mostly experience mental exhaustion and burnout. Support groups can also be used to experiment with creating healthy boundaries and saying "No" to others.

7. Practice acceptance.

You likely have been people pleasing for a very long time, possibly most of your life. You might not even understand why you do it and feel that you are on autopilot. We don't ask for traumatic or stressful things to happen to us. Remember, people pleasing is often a result of experiencing difficult conflict at a young age. Try to accept the reality of the situation and show grace to yourself for doing your best at any given time.

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like

When someone is a chronic people pleaser, healthy boundaries might be a mystery to them. A healthy boundary with another person may look different for everyone, but there are a few commonalities.

Often boundaries look like each person being able to accurately communicate one another's wants and needs. No one is a mind reader. If there is a conflict, address it with the person directly rather than a third party or simply ignoring it.

A healthy boundary may be declining things that you do not want to do. You don't have to give the other person the reason you are declining their request. On the flip side, be okay with the other person declining a request that you make of them.

Healthy boundaries with others often come from a place of mutual respect. If you respect the other person's wants, needs, and time constraints, you can expect the other person to respect yours. If they do not respect your needs, you may need to have a conversation with them.

Therapy can help if you're struggling with people-pleasing anxiety.

If your anxiety symptoms are causing so much distress that it's affecting multiple areas of your life, it may be time to seek professional help. Seeking therapy is a courageous choice, and it can be a very rewarding one if you find the right professional.

There are many different modalities of therapy that have shown good results with anxiety. Some of these modalities include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and psychodynamic therapy. Mindfulness practices have been shown to have positive effects on the physical and mental symptoms of anxiety as well.

When there is underlying trauma, trauma therapy and EMDR have shown to decrease negative symptoms associated with remembering the trauma.

Vital Therapy offers many different approaches to anxiety treatment, including an integrative approach focusing on the root of the anxiety (for example, people pleasing). Knowing that anxiety can often follow traumatic experiences, Vital Therapy also offers specific trauma and PTSD therapy.

If you're interested in starting your healing journey, we invite you to reach out.